| A Series of Unfortunate Disclaimers | p. xiii |
| Note from the Author | p. xv |
| Furiously Happy. Dangerously Sad | p. 1 |
| I've Found a Kindred Soul and He Has a Very Healthy Coat | p. 7 |
| My Phone Is More Fun to Hang Out with Than Me | p. 11 |
| I Have a Sleep Disorder and It's Probably Going to Kill Me or Someone Else | p. 25 |
| How Many Carbs Are in a Foot? | p. 43 |
| Pretend You're Good at It | p. 45 |
| George Washington's Dildo | p. 51 |
| I'm Not Psychotic. I Just Need to Get in Front of You in Line | p. 55 |
| Why Would I Want to Do More When Pm Already Doing So Well at Nothing? | p. 61 |
| What I Say to My Shrink vs. What I Mean | p. 69 |
| Look at this Giraffe | p. 73 |
| The Fear | p. 79 |
| Skinterventions and Bangtox | p. 83 |
| It's Like Your Pants Are Bragging at Me | p. 91 |
| Nice Bass | p. 95 |
| It's Hard to Tell Which of Us Is Mentally Ill | p. 105 |
| I Left My Heart in San Franco. (But Replace "San Francisco" with "Near the Lemur House" and Replace "Heart" with a Sad Question Mark.) | p. 111 |
| Stock Up on Snow Globes. The Zombie Apocalypse Is Coming | p. 115 |
| Appendix: An Interview with the Author | p. 127 |
| I'm Turning into a Zombie One Organ at a Time | p. 143 |
| Gats Are Selfish Yawners and They've Totally Getting Away with It | p. 157 |
| Koalas Are Full of Chlamydia | p. 161 |
| Voodoo Vagina | p. 189 |
| The World Needs to Go on a Diet. Literally | p. 193 |
| Crazy Like a Reverse Fox | p. 197 |
| An Essay on Parsley, Wasabi, Cream Cheese, and Soup | p. 199 |
| And Then I Got Three Dead Cats in the Mail | p. 205 |
| Things I May Have Accidentally Said During Uncomfortable Silences | p. 213 |
| My Skeleton Is Potaterrific | p. 219 |
| It's Called "Catouflage" | p. 229 |
| We're Better Than Galileo. Because He's Dead | p. 235 |
| Things My Father Taught Me | p. 247 |
| Pin Going to Die. Eventually | p. 253 |
| And This Is Why I Prefer to Cut My Own Hair | p. 259 |
| It's All in How You Look at It (The Book of Nelda) | p. 263 |
| Well at Least Your Nipples Are Covered | p. 267 |
| Death by Swans Is Not as Glamorous as You'd Expect | p. 271 |
| The Big Quiz | p. 283 |
| Cat Lamination | p. 293 |
| That Baby Was Delicious | p. 297 |
| These Cookies Know Nothing of My Work | p. 305 |
| It Might Be Easier. But It Wouldn't Be Better | p. 317 |
| Epilogue: Deep in the Trenches | p. 323 |
| Acknowledgments | p. 327 |